Dieting Is A Pain In The Ass

I can't call it a diet really. I have changed what I eat over the past 5 years, watch what I eat and log in to MyFitnessPal app EVERYTHING I eat. I don't cheat on that logging procedure no matter how hard I fall off the wagon into great junk food, pastries, chips,  ....  you know, all the good stuff.

I've tried Paleo, Mediterranean, Keto, Vegan, Lacto-Vegetarian, Blood-Type Diets along with my own by adding some 'personal modifications' to those just mentioned.

I was in utter shock when I found out that any blend of Ben&Jerry's ice cream wasn't included. That is almost UN-American !!!!!! I LOVE ice cream and especially Ben&Jerry's. Cost of it be damned!!!  Can't I even have two scoops a week?? I can't do a scoop for any length of time because the word "scoop" is not in my vocabulary ... "whole container" is right at the top, under The 10 Best Ways To Eat Ice Cream.

After years of staying away from the beef, except for a Nick's Stromboli once or twice per year, I was happy to see that the Paleo Diet was letting me have one of these. Now any smart dieter knows it would be best to cut this in half or into 4oz portions, or whichever is smaller ... but I don't recall anyone calling me a smart dieter. I have heard "where do you put all of that food you eat" but not 4oz portions.

The Paleo Diet and the Keto Diet told me I need to eat lots of FAT and PROTEIN .... buy bacon again, ham, pork, all that good tasting stuff and have it for breakfast too. I did and the amazing thing was, within days of eating the Paleo Diet way ALL of my heartburn disappeared ... within days!!!

I tried the Keto Diet last spring only for short period of time. When I couldn't have my normal portion of pasta, or even a tiny weeny bit of pasta I knew that my chances of being a "Ketonite" were slim and none. I would be up to 16 carbs in a 15-20 carb limit by two cups of coffee first thing in the morning because my brain requires two teaspoons of pure granulated sugar per 12oz cup of coffee. (Black coffee this morning) See what I mean .... the Keto Diet and I weren't friends for very long.

Now one thing it did do, it helped me measure out my portions with a measuring cup and this 1cup of dried pasta is now my new portion size when I have pasta, which is few and far between. That chip on the edge of the plate took place when I left the house one night for a short 10 minute junk food trip.

Stella had the run of the house and was sound to sleep on the couch with Heidi when I left. While I was gone she must have smelled food on the plate sitting on the counter waiting to be washed. By the time I got home that plate and it's co-plate were on the floor ... the 2nd plate was smashed into 4 large broken pieces. I guess that was Stella's way of telling me JUNK FOOD IS NOT ALLOWED!!!!

I tried cooking in advance. What better way than to slow cook some homemade 15-bean soup with Cajun spices when colder weather hits. There again I have some issues. I admit it. I stand tall saying my first name and telling the world "I am a mess" when it comes to food portion control.

Just because you pat yourself on the back for a job well done after eating only 2 measured cups of this, that doesn't mean the game is over and you will be awarded. Hell no!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE !!!!

Those regular size soup bowls that come with any cheap set of dishes just doesn't hold a lot of bean soup, if you know what I mean. So I had a BIG choice .... a LOT of those 2 cup bowls or serve it in a bigger bowl and make fewer trips from the football games on tv to the kitchen. Guess who won? Not the game ... which size of bowl.

Within 48 hours of the first bean coming out of that crocpot .... that stuff was GONE !!!!

So I decided I need to start doing some aerobic exercise. What better way to get your pulse rate up than with games of Mahjong Deluxe while trying to get rid of those tiles as fast as possible. 160 games total and I even set a goal. Exercise and goals ... what could be better??? You can see I was already more than 7 seconds behind by the time I set my iPhone down, taking the picture.

My goal was to complete all the 160 games in under 3 minutes each. I admit I was out of shape when I started but like any kind of exercise you have to start out slow and build up your speed and endurance. It wasn't long before I cut my time in half, sometimes more. Currently I have only a few games left over 3 minutes completion time and I HAVEN'T LOST A DAMN POUND OF WEIGHT !!!!!

At the same time I read that for 'old' people hand and eye coordination is something that needs to be practiced. No better way than with your index finger on your laptop touchpad, moving fast to match two tiles and make them disappear. You would think if I sat at the table playing this game literally for hours ... the fat would just burn off of my body !!

I do from time to time get series about this dieting shit. I mean really serious. If you remember I am a man of extremes, all or nothing, $5 bets on the crap table or $,1000's at a time, drive the speed limit or fly way above it, feel good after an hour sleep and like crap after 10 hours of sleep .... on and on and on ... you get the idea. There is nothing in between in my life.

So this chart had me focusing on how I need to shop for groceries. The fat in Pale scared me with my family history of cardiac arrest, sometimes not having the best results. So I went Vegan for a while until I got tired of feeling lethargic all the time.

This gave me me too much heartburn, gone were the days of cold orange juice at 2am or 3am after waking up from a deep sleep, drinking it right out of the container ... just like milk. I LOVE orange juice but not quite as much as Ben&Jerry's ice cream.

I had flashbacks when I saw this on the shelf the other day at the local Super Walmart. Holy shit that stuff would change my personality drinking it some 30 some years ago. You talk about "WILD" ... damn. They labeled that whiskey right. I'll only say this, YES me and my three friends DID go to court that year when Whidbey Island WA has an unexpected 27" of snow in 24 hours. But .... we were young and dumb.

Whidbey Island might get a dusting of snow sometimes but no more than MAYBE an 1" at the most. I found this out in my research in 1984, when trying to decide if I wanted to move from the beach in Carlsbad CA, to the rock beaches of Oak Harbor, WA.

So how do you end up talking to a judge in a court of law?? With a lawyer, hired by you? Well what started off as a good Samaritan act in the neighborhood ... by blowing snow off sidewalks with high speed snowmobiles, turned into large quantities of Wild Turkey being consumed because it was cold out there in that freezing weather ... we needed something to warm up.

Of course you always come up with the best ideas when you are drinking ... especially that stuff in the picture. Oh yes .... we were about to become famous ... really famous.

Not only did we have smaller bottles of this under our North Face down parkas but we were also riding these snowmobiles all over Island County back roads, and AT TIMES crossing the major north south highway ... Hwy 20. I admit there were times that we might have been airborne with the snowmobile. It did feel like we were flying a few times.

Things were going pretty good. We were safe, drunk, cold and happy. Things turned exciting really quick. I mean really really quick ... just about the time all four of us on four different snowmobiles FLEW by this white car ... If I wasn't going so fast I might have recognized him as a Oak Harbor Police car .... he put on those bright flashing red and blue lights you hear other people talking about sometimes ... sometimes.

When you are doing over 70mph on those snow machines you tend to get way ahead of the chasing police car. WAY AHEAD .... but we were considerate and knew we were busted. All four of us stopped, turned our machines off, put the Turkey away and waited .... and waited ... while watching these red and blue lights along with headlights slide all over the highway from side to side ... to catch up to us.

He did thank us for waiting for him, asked us what brand name of machine we were riding. (We did not know that was for ticket purposes) That was as far as his amusement went. In the end it was an even trade off ... we keep the machines to ride back home (escorted) in trade for a ticket for speeding .... and numerous other violations.

All of us paid for that decision .... I am not sure with around 30 years of inflation, what our fines, court costs and lawyer fees would be in today's money. I do remember clearly eating a LOT of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches after that for a LONG TIME. Not just for lunch either.

There are times I fall off the wagon hard.  It's 11:30pm and the west coast baseball games are just starting on tv. What better time than to run down to the local mini-mart for a 20oz coke, a small bag of chips and all that other junk food not seen in the range of the camera? Believe me, there is A LOT not in that picture. :) This is never good for diet discipline.

No more stuff like this for dinner ... all of that ... not allowed.

No more pizza at DeAngelo's Pizza in Bloomington.

No more pizza at Mother Bear's in Bloomington. Even the smaller size of pizza, and fewer slices still puts on the pounds fast as well as sending your carbs goal for the day out of this world.

No more opening this, just pouring it over ice in my blender and dreaming of the times on the beaches at Rosarito Beach south of Tijuna at the Rosarito Beach Hotel in the late 1970's. Great times, great memories, great people.

Due to allergic reactions I rarely have a beer anymore. I think I have one or two beers a year when friends fly in to break bread at a local eating establishment.

While I was using this last year to change the oil in my Z4 I had a splendid idea ... but I'm not an engineer. What if .... I could slide that rubber tube down my throat into the internal fat surrounding my stomach ....  then pumping that pump with the black handle to build up the pressure needed for extraction .... hmmmm, I'll have to put more thought into that. That would be much faster than any stupid diet. Don't you think?

It does say on the label it is "Multi-Purpose" .... Vacuum Pump ... oil from an engine or fat surrounding my stomach, what's the difference?

I stare at the bottom of my feet sometimes, with this chart in hand but I have no idea where my answer is for losing weight. I am stuck at 202 unless I eat too much pasta .... then 206 ... but that is better than the 214 in May 2018 ... or the 230 in November 2010. I've set my calorie intake at 1,500 per day. Most of the time I am within that range. My resting pulse is 48-52 bpm, top number of my blood pressure reading is never over 110.

I'm not that stupid though. I know the answer. I know the correct portion size I should have, the discipline it takes, and I know that I can't lose weight playing hours of Mahjong.

I need to ride this.

Or walk, jog or ride my mountain bike around the outside edge of this field.

If I rode the bikes, jogged or walked on a daily basis around that field, stayed away from pizza and pasta ...

COULD I HAVE JUST ONE OF THESE !!!!!